Genital Mutilation: our sons bodies

When I was in high school and college I can recall learning about the atrocity of female genital mutilation. It was not humane, much less kind, it seemed barbaric. 

Fast forward to today, 2017. I have a sweet son and we did not circumcise him. We left that choice to alter his body for him to make. I just can not grasp how intelligent people can mutilate their sons because "it's the norm". It's really not the norm! Not in the US, not anywhere in the world.

I want to scream it from the rooftops! It makes breastfeeding a challenge. It creates a traumatic situation for teeny tiny baby boys. It increases the risk of infection. I just don't know where to begin. And all the while, people just simply are not educated. 

Depression, exhaustion and overstimulation.

Depression. Although I've struggled with depression for decades, I always wonder what if? What if my Mom didn't die when I was 10? What if my next 5 years weren't spent worrying about my fathers health? What if someone let me grieve? Then would I have spent these last decades battling this bitch? I'm so tired of being sad. Seems like as life goes on, I just see her void in my life more clearly. I'm missing out once again, and nobody is trying to help...once again. Exhaustion. My son is 2. He is the most amazing little person I've ever met. He is so smart and he's totally adorable. His eyes are blue with a yellow sunburst and just encompassing at sunset. He is a funny kid, he's hot his Dad's goofball sense of humor and he does not sleep. Since he was born he's been alert. Looking. Judging. He always wants to know what's going on and he requires much less sleep than I've ever wanted. I'm tired!! Overstimulated. It's the dogs. I love them but I do not want to hear them lick all day long, or bark or follow me so closely that their paws often end up IN my shoes. I just want quiet and peace and stability. Being a Mama and wife and nanny and friend, sister daughter niece and doula. It's not so easy. I'm doing my best but I'm kinda thinking I'm about to lose my mind.

Ain't life grand...

Today was a good day. It was actually pretty great. I woke up without an alarm. That's always the beginning of a nice day. I ate breakfast, showered, blew dry my hair and accomplished a non-kink-in-the -back look(whoa!!), picked up my handsome husband and went to the dr. We got to see our little baby on an ultrasound. His little hands and feet were in constant motion. It's pure love seeing his healthy little body moving with such strength. I can't believe we made that little baby.

Realizing my own progress

I've been thinking about blogging, keeping track of where my life goes on a daily or weekly basis. I remembered writing this blog a few years ago. Alas, it's still there. At first I wanted to delete it. I wanted to make a point to not remember those times, the long, fearful days. Fortunately, and I truly feel fortunate for this, those days are long gone. I think it's important to recognize the change, and to be proud of the progress. For some reason I feel embarrassed? Embarrassed?!!! I shouldn't, and Ill make it a point to deal with that. Let's move forward. Lets focus on the now. This wonderful present moment. My life is what I've always wanted. Wow! I married an incredible man last April 14th. We bought a beautiful house, made it our home, and are now expecting a son this coming April. Ahh, pregnancy. It's so beautiful, and lovely. Ok, so it became that way after a couple of months of some very emotional times. Whew, I'm glad Im still married. So, hormones? No joke! I had heard about pregnant being emotional. I thought I was ready. I think Tom, my husband, though he was ready as well. We weren't. I wasn't emotional, I was a monster. Not every day, but man I had my moments. I never thought I say this, but that's behind us too! We just began our third trimester. Our little buddy is growing, healthy and active. We enjoy everything about him. We got an in home fetal heart monitor. We love listening to his little heartbeat. His kicks and spins make us feel a happiness we haven't quite felt before. So, my biggest, most important life goal... Has only 3 months left to be completed. I can't wait to meet this little guy. I can't wait to be his Mommy:)

houses and homes

Becoming a mother

My number one dream in this world is to be the mother in a happy family.
I have been in a wonderful relationship for over a year and we have begun
To try to start our own family. We aren't married, we don't own a home but we
Love eachother and we want this bad. At least I know I want it with my whole heart
And my partner says it's what he wants too. We tried for six months and have just
Started going to doctors to try to figure out if everything is ok. It's not.
His levels are low and we have been told that we need to move onto
Alternative methods. We will begin with an IUI. This doesn't cost very
Much so we are very hopeful that this will actually be an option
For us. If not we will move onto our next option which is nit quite as affordable
And I'm really not sure what we would do to make that one happen. I'm lost
Right now and so ready for a child. I'm so looking forward to seeing him as a Daddy. We will
Make a very happy family and that's all I've ever wanted.

Circles #1

I've never blogged before and I'll be honest...I'm scared.  Who will hear what I have to say?  Or will nobody ever even listen?  Fortunately that's not the point for me.  The point is to write and to express and to communicate, if even only with myself.  I'm hoping that people I know aren't able to find this because I have had quite a year and it's uncomfortable sometimes to let others know the crazy thoughts I deal with every day.  I won't skirt the issue.  I found my fiancée after he committed suicide and it's changed my life forever.  I know this is normal, for someone in my situation but the changes are greater than I ever could have imagined and the rest of the world is oblivious to this.  I go through my days continuing to heal and I must say I've done an awesome job. I'll brag a bit here.  I began practicing Buddhism sometime before this suicide became my life.  I chanted on a somewhat regular basis and that chant became my saving grace, my ledge from which to hang.  I have since met an amazing man and I couldn't be happier in my relationship.  I guess things aren't so bad.  I'm the executer of the estate and I can not wait until this chapter is over.  People don't realize what my days are like.  They don't realize the weight that I carry and the thoughts I dodge all day long and the irrational fears that enter my mind and inhabit it for as long as they please.  There's Xanax and pot and they help to lessen these thoughts but they make me tired and I want to really live, not fade in and out as my thoughts direct my moments awake.

I called this blog Circles because I feel that's what my life is.  One huge freakin circle.  I have so much to be thankful for but I'm tired of being scared.  I'm always scared of something.  Robbers as a child and drugs in my early 20s.  The suicide which I believed was actually a murder for many long months.  It's not so easy when you truly believe that someone was killed in your home while you slept.  I'm scared now as I approach my mid 30s that I'll struggle to become a mother.  Will I ever be blessed with this, my most important hope in life?

This is just my first blog, I hope I keep it up.  I've got to get these thoughts out and I pray it helps ease my mind and my heart equally.