I've never blogged before and I'll be honest...I'm scared. Who will hear what I have to say? Or will nobody ever even listen? Fortunately that's not the point for me. The point is to write and to express and to communicate, if even only with myself. I'm hoping that people I know aren't able to find this because I have had quite a year and it's uncomfortable sometimes to let others know the crazy thoughts I deal with every day. I won't skirt the issue. I found my fiancée after he committed suicide and it's changed my life forever. I know this is normal, for someone in my situation but the changes are greater than I ever could have imagined and the rest of the world is oblivious to this. I go through my days continuing to heal and I must say I've done an awesome job. I'll brag a bit here. I began practicing Buddhism sometime before this suicide became my life. I chanted on a somewhat regular basis and that chant became my saving grace, my ledge from which to hang. I have since met an amazing man and I couldn't be happier in my relationship. I guess things aren't so bad. I'm the executer of the estate and I can not wait until this chapter is over. People don't realize what my days are like. They don't realize the weight that I carry and the thoughts I dodge all day long and the irrational fears that enter my mind and inhabit it for as long as they please. There's Xanax and pot and they help to lessen these thoughts but they make me tired and I want to really live, not fade in and out as my thoughts direct my moments awake.
I called this blog Circles because I feel that's what my life is. One huge freakin circle. I have so much to be thankful for but I'm tired of being scared. I'm always scared of something. Robbers as a child and drugs in my early 20s. The suicide which I believed was actually a murder for many long months. It's not so easy when you truly believe that someone was killed in your home while you slept. I'm scared now as I approach my mid 30s that I'll struggle to become a mother. Will I ever be blessed with this, my most important hope in life?
This is just my first blog, I hope I keep it up. I've got to get these thoughts out and I pray it helps ease my mind and my heart equally.
